This Portland relationship counselor knows that everyone wants to be more attractive to the partner. Consider this relationship advice: no clothing, hairstyle, bodybuilding or cosmetics can compete with the way you treat your partner. One of the worst ways you can treat a mate is with blame. It is definitely not a sexy behavior.

Researcher, John Gottman, warns that blame is one of the major predictors of divorce. We are all guilty of it at times. I am a Portland relationship counselor, but I catch myself bickering over “I only said or did that, because you said or did something else first!” which is what my kids did when they were five years old! I know that my spouse doesn’t find my five-year-old level behavior at all attractive.

Relationship Advice on Transforming Blame to Connection

Some blame is more serious than my example above.  In my job as a Portland marriage counselor I see how difficult it is for couples to stop blaming each other. If you are blaming your partner instead of looking at your own contribution to the problems, you are helping to destroy your intimate connection.  Connection requires safety and no one feels safe when they are being blamed. Without safety you will not see your partner as attractive, in fact it will be the opposite. The best relationship advice I can give is to suggest that you make it a goal to stop your expressions of blame.

When you catch yourself blaming for anything big or small, the right thing to do is to stop. Next, apologize for blaming and either let it go or offer to listen to and validate your partner’s point of view. This practice will build true connection. Connection leads to a sense of safety and when we are safe we are able to relax, feel joy, have fun and feel desire for our partner.  One more bit of relationship advice from this Portland relationship counselor: spend less time on your looks and more time on becoming mindful of what words cross your lips. If you struggle with blame or other destructive habits, visit our website for more resources.