This Portland marriage counselor hears regularly the sad truth about lagging sexual desire in women. My female clients feel not only guilty that they don’t feel a spark often enough, but they also feel disappointed and cheated.  In an article in Psychology Today explains that while most men have a sexual response pattern of thinking about sex or feeling desire followed by sexual arousal, most women have the opposite experience.

In my couples counseling I often explain that the first step of a very pleasant sexual encounter doesn’t have to be desire, it can be willingness. This article explains why.  In one study 30% of women in a study said that felt little or no libido (sexual desire). What researcher Rosemary Basson, M.D., discovered in interviews with hundreds of women is that, “Contrary to the conventional model, for many women, desire is not the cause of lovemaking, but rather, its result.  Women,” Basson explains, ‘often begin sexual experiences feeling sexually neutral.’ But as things heat up, so do they and they eventually experience desire.”

Why Do Women Make Love asks Portland Marriage Counselor

Basson’s found that women have sex for reasons other than desire, and that the desire follows being willing to engage in arousing behaviors. Women make love to please their partner, prevent strife, make-up after conflict and most of all to feel close and intimate. There are many times of course that women feel sexual longing and initiate sex or accept their partner’s overtures out of pure physical desire. Either way it doesn’t matter.

The article offers interesting information and is worth reading. The author looks at what kind of sexual experiences women need to move from “sexually neutral” to sexually aroused. He emphasizes that sex that fuels desire is leisurely, playful, sensual lovemaking based on whole-body caressing.

Offering couples counseling for 30 years, has taught me that the reasons you make love are much less important than the fact that you do make love, regularly and often.

To get help with your relationship on matters of communication, conflict and intimacy, call us for a  good Portland marriage counselor. Visit our website for information on counselors, to set up a free consultation or sign up for a workshop.